Getting Personal

I've been watching a lot of comedy shows lately. I guess I've always watched a lot of comedy on TV, but now that I'm trying it out I've been taking a much closer look at delivery and material.

One thing I've found lately is I really like the comedians who draw on personal experiences for their material. So far, I haven't really done much of this*.

*I have made one joke that allegedly draws on personal experience. I say allegedly, because it's the one time so far where I have lied stretched the truth for the sake of a joke. 


The joke is about people giving advice to get a dog before you have kids. I say, "People keep telling us to get a dog because it's great practice for when you have babies. I disagree - putting a diaper on a Golden Retriever is impossible. And my wife's breasts are KILLING her from trying to breast feed." 


We don't actually have a dog, but I think the joke works better if I say we do. Generally people have laughed at this joke, except for my friends - who all look puzzled, then want to know after the show when we got a dog. 


I want to start trying to draw on my life more in my act, but I have to say - I don't feel like I'm working with a treasure trove of material. I suppose I've had amusing things happen to me, but nothing too out of the ordinary. I don't think I'll be starring in any Dos Equis commercials any time soon.

Lately I've been pressing the rewind button in my head to think back on funny memories that could translate to the stage. Maybe writing something down will help jog my memory. Here is one to get the ball rolling:

Whenever you see a TV family discuss sex, it's always extremely awkward. The parent will usually try to come up with some kind of metaphor or gesticulation to describe the act, because godforbid they actually say the word "sex" or mention specific parts of the human anatomy.

Well, not my family. Or rather, not my father. Oh it was awkward for us kids, but my father loved having frank discussions with us about sexual topics. Nothing made him happier than announcing at the dinner table something like, "So, your mom found a Playboy underneath your bed today." (Or, uhhh, something like that.)

The funny thing was, as we got older, they grew more and more intrusive into my sisters' sex lives and less and less in mine. They knew when both of my sisters lost their virginity (because of birth control medication, you perves), but they never asked me about mine.

In fact, the only reason my parents ever found out I was having sex is because I was an idiot and wasn't careful with my laundry.

One day I was sitting on the couch watching TV and my mom comes in and was like, "You need to be more careful when washing your shorts."

I thought she was talking about a dollar I had seen on the washing machine. She was, but she'd also found something else.

She said, "You need to be more careful when washing your shorts...I found a rubber."

I don't know what could have made that conversation less awkward, but I'm pretty sure the use of the word rubber helped the awkwardness reach terminal velocity.

Now, no one wants to talk about sex with their parents, but I've actually experienced something even more mindfucking than that - and that would be the time I had the same discussion...with my grandfather.

I was driving home with my grandfather after a Mississippi State basketball game one time in college, and my grandfather asked me if I thought that today's young adults were more sexually active than previous generations. Terrific.

"Yeah, probably," I told him.

"Does that bother you?" he asked.

"No, not really - I think people are just more comfortable now." I responded.

"Well, what if it were your sisters?" he wondered.

Sigh. "Well, if my sisters are happy, then that's all that matters to me."**

**Translation: My sisters are sluts Poppie.

At this point, the conversation wasn't uncomfortable enough, so I decided to take it up a notch. I turned the tables on him.

"What about your generation, Poppie?"

"Oh no, we courted a little, but we respected the women we dated." he said.

"So you waited until your wedding night, to you know, seal the deal with Nonnie?" I foolishly asked.

"Of course we did."

Landmine sidestepped. Let's call it a night. But no, I had to ask one last question...

"So you were a virgin on your wedding night?" I asked.

And his answer, he gave with no hesitance, as if it was the most natural thing in the world:

"Oh no, we went to the whore house for that." OF COURSE HE DID.

"Oh. Good." I said.

Then I turned the steering wheel into oncoming traffic.

Interesting what qualifies as normal across the generation gap...

Reflections On Hell Freezing Over

I have never played football at any level, but I still feel qualified to make this statement after a lifetime of watching it - aggression is a key to winning football. If last night proved nothing else to me, it's that the teams that win are the teams that are willing to take risks at the right times.

I'll get to the onside kick in a minute, but in my opinion, the last two minutes of the first half are where I first really thought the Saints were going to win.

Sean Payton chose to go for it on fourth-and-goal in the second quarter, a decision I absolutely agreed with. This is the Super Bowl - you have a chance to put seven on the board, you take it. Having said that - I hated the play call. The Saints are not a running team - they run it well enough to keep defenses honest, but it's not their bread and butter. On any play where the Saints have to get yardage, I want the ball in Drew Brees' hands.

Having said that, the play still worked as well as you could hope if it was going to fail. The Saints defense held stiff, and the offense got the ball back with enough time left to get into field goal range and still put up the three points they eschewed taking in the first place.

Now compare that decision to go for it on 4th-and-goal with Indy's decision to play it close to the vest after they kept the Saints out of the end zone.

Whether he's the best ever or not, I think we can all agree that Manning is a master of the two-minute drill. The Colts got the ball back at their own one with 1:49 left to play in the half. Is that dangerous territory? Sure. But Manning had already led his team on a 96-yard scoring drive earlier in the first quarter. Why not trust him to see if he can make something happen?

Instead the Colts ran the ball three straight times, failed to pick up a first, and the ensuing punt gave the Saints the chance they needed to cut the lead to 10-6 at the half.

Just to recap how the Saints decision to go for it on 4th-and-goal changed the game - had the Saints taken the  chip-shot FG instead, they'd have kicked off to the Colts, presumably allowing them to start their drive somewhere in the neighborhood of the 20. If that happens, the Colts certainly allow Manning to go all out, and maybe they score again before the half ends (like they did against the Jets in the AFC title game, where Manning led them on a four-play, 80-yard scoring drive in just 58 seconds right before halftime).

But because New Orleans took the risk, even a risk that failed, they still changed the course of the game in a positive way.

Onto the onside kick - the first non-fourth quarter onside kick in Super Bowl history. That is exactly the kind of risk that is worth taking in that situation. Yes, if it had failed, the Colts would have been in excellent shape to score and extend their lead, perhaps paving the way to a rout and a second title for Manning.

That might have happened, and most coaches would have been too scared of that what if? scenario to have the guts to make that call. But Payton knew that to beat Manning and the Colts, you had to pull out all the stops. And getting the ball first (and eventually scoring to take the lead) was an outcome that was worth the risk, and clearly made a huge difference in this game.

And by the way, this wasn't a reckless decision either. The Saints saw in studying the Colts on kickoffs that their up-men (the players closest to the ball as it is kicked) had a tendency to cheat downfield as the ball was about to be put in play. They knew there was an opportunity there to exploit that tendency, and that is what they attacked.

If you watch the replay of the kick (scroll to about the 2:06 mark), you'll see Hank Baskett of the Colts take a couple steps back right as the ball is about to be kicked. Football is truly a game of inches and milliseconds, and perhaps those steps where what led to him not being in position to make the recovery, as well as give the Saints that extra split second to get in position to come up with the football. So not only was it a gutsy call, but a well-thought-out one as well.

Maybe it's easy to praise Payton for these decisions in hindsight, but I for one will stand by a coach who will grab his chance to win by the balls instead of always bowing to conventional wisdom and playing it safe. That's how you win titles.

Some other thoughts from last night...

- Going into this game, I never really understood why the Colts were deemed the obvious choice to win. I get that Peyton Manning is awesome, and in the conversation for G.O.A.T. honors. Deservedly so. But when Manning goes up against other great quarterbacks, the game is not fait accompli. When Manning plays Brady, people don't just assume the Colts will win. 

Maybe Brees didn't have a title before last night, but I don't think you can argue his stature as one of the two or three best QBs in the game. So the thought that Manning, just because he is Manning, would emerge victorious last night, seemed flawed to me. It's easy to say that now, but I don't know what else Brees needed to do before the game to be considered on par with the greats - he already owns the completion percentage record (70.6%, set this season), and fell 16 yards shy of the single season passing yardage mark a year ago. Rex Grossman he is not. Also, in his only other playoff appearance, he led the Saints to the NFC title game. It's not like he has a history of coming up short in big games.

- Speaking of Brees, it's worth mentioning that he was unwanted by any other NFL team when the Saints signed him as a free agent in 2006. It's poetic justice that he won a Super Bowl in Miami, the city that had the inside track to sign him but chose to go with Duante Culpepper* instead. Now that he has the ring to prove it, I think we can safely state the obvious now - Brees has been the best QB in the NFL the last four seasons.

*There are many things that are funny about the Dolphins decision to sign Culpepper instead of Brees, but the thing that always sticks out to me is that Culpepper was hurt too. He'd torn three ligaments in his knee the season before they signed him (and was cited in the Vikings infamous sex boat incident). You might excuse the Dolphins for choosing a QB other than Brees because of his injury risk, but to choose another QB who ALSO had injury issues? Thanks for that one, Saban.

It's also worth mentioning that Brees is a terrific example of just how hard it is to be even a good quarterback in the NFL. 

Brees was let go by the Chargers after the 2005 season in part because of his shoulder injury, but also because they had a QB on hand in Philip Rivers, whom they had spent a ton of money on after acquiring him as a top choice in the 2004 NFL draft (they drafted Eli Manning #1 overall, but subsequently traded him to New York in a deal that netted them Rivers, whom New York had selected fourth). That's right - Brees was so bad as the QB of the Chargers that San Diego felt compelled to take another player at his position with the overall number one selection**.

**A decision, I imagine, that San Diego didn't take lightly, considering their history with QBs and the draft. It's interesting how the Chargers fit into the narrative of last night's contest, now that I think about it. They lost out on Peyton Manning in 1998, forcing them to settle for Ryan Leaf, the biggest bust in NFL history, and their decision to cut Brees loose set him up to land in New Orleans and lead the Saints to glory.

The point is, for every Peyton Manning, who comes into the league and starts (and succeeds) from Day One, there are many more guys like Brees, who take a few years to blossom. What's my point? Don't give up on Vince Young and Matt Leinart, perhaps.

- A final thought on Sean Payton - you have to give the guy credit for sticking to his guns and playing aggressive football, because it hasn't always worked out the way it did in the Super Bowl. Payton was famously relieved of his play-calling duties as offensive coordinator of the New York Giants midway through the 2002 season by head coach Jim Fassel after calling a pass play in the final seconds of the first half of a game against the Cardinals that resulted in an interception and a pick-six the other way. He had every reason to dial it down after that, but he didn't, and that faith in his own football principles is why he slept with the Lombardi Trophy last night.