You sure about that, Assistant GM?

Thanks Sportsline, your assistant GM feature has been very helpful this season. What's that? You have some advice as to how I might improve my roster? Well let's take a look!

Come here, Josh Freeman, and win me a fantasy title!

My priorities might be a tad off right now

Dreams are weird, I think we can all agree on that. What they mean, obviously, is up to interpretation. So, interpret this.

Last night, I dreamt that as a result of contact with what must have been some sort of time machine, I ended up ten years in the future.

Time travel! Awesome! So many possibilities, so much I could do.

In addition to having the ability to travel in time, I also had some sort of telephone that allowed me to still talk to people in present day (jealous?).

UN-BE-LIEVABLE. I could change the world, tell everyone how things were going to end up so people could maybe prevent disasters, who knows?

And what, in this dream state, did I do? I called my friend Joey in present day...to find out how my fantasy team was doing. And that was the only thing I realized in my dream, that somehow, being 10 years in the future, was going to be a HUGE advantage, fantasy wise.

I think I may have a problem.

Me in a nutshell

Take a look at the photo above. I realized tonight, this picture perfectly encapsulates me as a person. 

This picture was taken in Riomaggiore, Italy, the last and smallest of the five fishing towns that make up the Cinque Terra, a tourist destination on the Italian Riviera.

Take a look at this picture, and tell me what one thing is not like the other?

Three adults dressed relatively nicely - dressed like adults - having dinner with one guy dressed to watch Season 1 of Mad Men on DVD.

Now, there are a lot of reasons that explain why I am wearing a t-shirt in this picture. 

Like:

• We had just hiked seven hours from one end of Cinque Terra to the other.
• Our hotel was like a 1,000 foot climb above the town, and we'd have to walk up a steep hill to get back at the end of the night.
• Because we were packing for a week-long trip, we tried to pack as lightly as we could, which meant I didn't bring much "nice" clothing.
• I did have a polo shirt, but I wanted that to be clean(ish) for our anniversary dinner in Paris.
• Because I sweat at the drop of a hat, I worried that I'd sweat through the polo on the way home from dinner.
• Since it was late, and we were physically exhausted from hiking, I assumed everyone would be in their most comfortable clothes.
• It's cool at night in this part of Italy, and my most comfortable shirt is my long-sleeved Hawks tee-shirt. Perfect.

All of the above is true. But it's not why this picture so perfectly encapsulates me (though it does factor in). 

The first time I noticed that everyone else was dressed well and I looked like a total choad was when I posted our pictures to Facebook. I never once thought about it at the time. Instead I saw the picture and was like, jeez, who is this asshole?

Look at the picture again. Look at the smile on my face - it is the smile of a man who is completely unaware that people might think he looks funny. I might as well have a mullet. 

It never occurred to me to wear anything different. I was blissfully unaware.

And that's me in a nutshell, as I think my family and friends will attest at times. I am quite blissfully unaware.

Freedom of Speech!

Why does my text message service think there is no such thing as curse words? I tried to write the word shit in a text message, and my blackberry is like what? What word? Shut? Spit?

Don't act like you don't know shit blackberry! You know damn well what I wanted to write, and it wasn't "Running a little late, had to take a shin."

Sometimes that happens - you're in a hurry and you don't make sure all the words are spelled right, and you accidentally accept a word change that you didn't mean. You end up sending text messages that say things like, "What's up, motherland?"

Motherland is an actual suggestion on my blackberry when I type in motherfucker. Who is typing the word motherland in a text message, Hitler? 

"All aryans must return to the motherland! - also can you pick up some more tp, we're out"

It's incredible when you think about it how society's morals affect you in different ways. Society says it's not polite to call someone a cocksucker or a cunt, so your blackberry pretends those words don't exist. Actually cock sucker seems to be ok. If you write it as one word, cocksucker, it just suggests you spell it as two words. So I guess you can say cock sucker, just make sure you spell it right. 

I just don't want my blackberry to censor me, or judge me for what I text. And I want the word fuck to be acceptable in the middle of any word, any syllable. Fuck gets a free pass in my text messages. Wherever it is, it be-fucking-longs. It be-long-fucks.

By the way, want to know the suggestions my Blackberry gives me when I try to type in the word cunt? Count, punt, and Sarah Palin.

Is It Too Late To Make Jokes About Facebook?

I was thinking about Facebook tonight, and I decided to write down everything that flashed across my mind. Here goes...

- Most Some people don't seem to understand what is private on Facebook versus what is public. For example:

Work Complainers. I had a friend whose status update was, "Ugggh, I so don't want to be at work right now." Hey, Tammy - YOUR BOSS CAN SEE THAT.

Inquisitors. "How was your visit to Planned Parenthood?" Hey, cousin Angela, PEOPLE CAN SEE THAT.

Mothers. "Breastfeeding again..." PEOPLE CAN - you see where I'm going with this.

- Facebook is a great way to remind the world how little we care about anything that actually matters. The world economy is in shambles, millions of gallons of oil are spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day, and on Facebook we're like, we have GOT to get Betty White on Saturday Night Live before it's too late. She's in her late 80's, if we don't make it happen now, we'll never get it done! Pat on the back for that one Facebook.

- Facebook puts way too much spotlight on people's relationships. I am married now, and thank god, because I would hate to have to deal with starting a relationship now in the age of Facebook. You start dating someone, and now you have a lot of pressure. When are you going to change your relationship status? If you change it, you better damn well be sure that's the future mother or father of your kids, because if it doesn't work out, someday you're going to have to change it back to single, and then the entire world is going to start leaving messages on your wall asking things that will really help you get over the break-up. And that's not even getting into how many pictures you're going to have to un-tag yourself from.

- We are so paranoid over our civil rights, all these worries about Big Brother, people tapping our phones and  listening to our conversations, meanwhile on Facebook we can't wait to let everyone know our business. The CIA is obsolete. It's only a matter of time before we're watching the news and some anchorman is saying, "The terrorism plot was foiled when authorities read the bomber's facebook status which read, 'Hey you guys, just finished packing my carry-on for my one-way flight to New York ;)'"

- Facebook is like a neurotic Jewish mother, always telling you what to do. You should really send a message to your friend Ivan, you haven't spoken to him in awhile. I hope it's not telling anyone to do that for me. I don't need your pity, Facebook. I want to know that all those birthday wishes are because people really care, not because Facebook makes them think things aren't going so well for me right now.

- Facebook is great when you want to find out what old friends are up to, but sometimes it can be too much. I find out stuff about people I really didn't want to know. I had a friend I could have sworn was married, but now when I look at their profile I don't see any signs anymore of a spouse. What happened? I must drop everything and find out. I'm like a Facebook private investigator, combing through all their old status updates and photo galleries to see if they got divorced or something. I will not rest until I know the truth!

How Dare You Ask A Pertinent Question, Congressman

I read on the Daily Beast today a report that several of the congressmen grilling BP on Capitol Hill asking the tough questions had taken large sums of money from BP in campaign donations.

This is supposed to be scandalous information, but I don't understand why. The guys who took a lot of money are going against their interests and calling BP out for the company's gross negligence.

So the problem is...they aren't giving BP their money's worth?

Exactly why is it wrong to take money from a lobbyist and then not do what they ask for? Isn't that what we claim is so wrong with our political system in the first place, that our Congressmen are in the pockets of their contributors?

The paper's headline is like, "BP's Biggest Hypocrites!", Like, yeah, you bastards, how dare you take money from big oil and then...not do what's in the best interests of big oil.

That's terrible!

I don't understand politics sometimes.

Baseball, Just Do The Right Thing

Sorry to dust off the ole' sportswriter hat, but I gotta get this off my chest.

Major League Baseball needs to rule that Armando Galarraga threw a perfect game. The guy threw a perfect game. From a technical standpoint, he did it. He got the 27th batter to put the ball in play and the fielder got to the bag with the ball in his glove before the runner. That, by rule, is an out.

Here's the thing - I get that you have to be consistent in your rules or chaos ensues, but this isn't deciding a pennant. No outcome that determines a championship is on the line with this decision. You're just acknowledging that something that happened happened. There is no gray area in this one - Galarraga got the 28th guy out too. The game ended either way.

He pitched a perfect game*. I didn't see it live, but based on the Sportscenter highlights it seemed like he may have pitched nearly the best game of all time. He was getting dudes out on 2-3 pitches an at bat, there didn't seem to be many battles or close plays. The Jackson catch to start the 9th, that was above average, but everything else looked pretty routine. It was a perfect game.

Galarraga should run for president someday. I can't believe how well he took this. That is some kind of compassion for your fellow man to let umpire Jim Joyce off the hook like that.

I like to think I'd do the same, but I'd say it's closer to 50/50 that I take the high road instead of unleashing a tumbling avalanche of profanity to the press after the game.

Bug Selig and company should just make an exception. Even if it goes against the rules. Nothing bad is going to happen, the universe isn't going to implode on itself. Teams will still play baseball tomorrow, life will go on.

Armando Galarraga pitched a perfect game, and there's nothing wrong with everyone just agreeing to say it was so. Because it was so. It was SO so.

No one is going to swear off baseball if you make this decree, and anyone who would, you don't want em.  Do you watch sports for the game or for the rules?

And did I mention this is a game? I know it's big business and we care about it deeply, but it's still just a game. It's a hobby. No countries are going to go to war over this decision. Congress isn't going to investigate. We'll all just collectively say, "Oh, that's nice" and move on.

And frankly, not to get all melodramatic, but doesn't someone's life kind of hang in the balance? Joyce, the umpire who blew that call, is going to be known for this for the rest of his life. He knows he made a bad call. He's not denying it or trying to pretend it was anything other than what it was. He said safe. He should have said out. He knows he messed up. Why make him carry that around?

I'm not saying we necessarily have to worry about Joyce's mental health, I'm just saying, in the movie version of this story, he'd have a drinking problem and gambling debts in about 45 seconds of screen time.

This is a victimless crime. Nothing else needs to be changed, we can all just pretend the 28th batter never happened. This doesn't have to set a precedent, we can just call it a one-off and call it a day. Or perhaps just create a new rule:

When someone pitches a perfect game, he pitches a perfect game.