But I am trying to change that with this blog.
So, with that in mind, here is what happened when this little routine started playing in my head tonight when I was trying to go to sleep.
Do you want to hear what is the single greatest job assignment in the history of the world? Great! Cause I'm going to tell you.
But first, before I get there, we have to go back a little ways and talk about Michael Vick. Ever heard of him?
That's right, disgraced former QB for the Atlanta Falcons, and no lie, winner of the Philadelphia Eagles sportsmanship award this season, Michael Vick, I have to start with him.
Cause see before Vick was a puppy-strangler, he got in trouble a few other times, once for getting caught with weed at the airport - nice - and another time, for giving a girl herpes.
Now how do I know he gave her herpes? Was I there, filming it, is that what you're implying? No - I know, because she filed suit against him in a court of law alleging that he gave her herpes, and the proof against him was that he tested positive for it at a health clinic, which he checked in for a test under the alias Ron Mexico.
Now at this point I know what you are thinking - Michael Vick may not be the world's most accurate NFL quarterback, but he is really good at picking out cool names for aliases!
If I had to pick an alias, mine would be something really lame like John Wilson or Jason Silverstein if I wanted to give it a little Jewish flavor.
But Vick chose Ron Mexico, who sounds like a bad-ass pimp trying to put one over on the man in a 1970's blaxploitation films.
Now, word of Vick's use of the name Ron Mexico gets out on the internet, as information of that kind is wont to do, and us sports fans, we love a good joke, so people started getting personalized Atlanta Falcons jerseys with the name Ron Mexico on the back.
The NFL, if you must know, turns out to be slightly uptight about it's reputation. They aren't really excited about the prospect of fans showing up at games wearing Mexico jerseys, reminding the populace that in their spare time, some of their athletes like to spread venereal diseases.
So the NFL bans apparel shops from selling fans personalized NFL jerseys with the words Ron Mexico on them.
This, by itself, is funny.
But it's not the end of our story, which I promised you would end with me telling you what the single greatest job assignment in history is, even though I told you I hate hyperbole!
As it turns out, because the news about the banning of selling Ron Mexico jerseys was leaked on the Internet, some enterprising journalist managed to find out that Ron Mexico isn't the only thing you can't get on the back of a personalized NFL jersey.
No, as it turns out, there are, and I swear this is true, 1,159 things you can't get written on the back of a personalized NFL jersey.
Which brings us to, that's right, the greatest job assignment in the history of mankind - the committee that drew up that fucking list.
Can you imagine how amazing that must have been? Imagine you are an employee of the corporate arm of the National Football League.
One day you come into work, and you get a cup of coffee, and you respond to a couple emails, and then you head into your 9:30 am meeting, just trying to make it through another day, and your boss drops this on you:
"Yeah everyone, we've received a memo from upstairs, apparently people are trying to put the word FUCK on a personalized NFL jersey, and we can't have that happening. They aren't happy about it, and as usual, we're the ones who are going to have to fix the situation. So what I need is just a few of you to chip in on this and help us develop a list of things we won't allow people to put on the backs of jerseys.
Bonus time is coming up fellas, so I'm really going to need this list to be thorough, we want to nip this thing in the bud. Get I get a few volunteers?"
Who in here would not have signed up for that committee? I'd have done it for free! I'd have come in on weekends, and not taken vacation days I was due, whatever it took to be in on that committee, to just sit around all day and say things like, "Now, what if someone comes in and wants a jersey with SPERM HERDER written on it. Now SPERM HERDER could be written as two words, separately, but it could also be a compound word and just be jammed together as SPERMHERDER. We should probably ban it both ways to be sure, right?"
1,159 terms that can't be put on a jersey. That is a job well done, committee.
I have the list right here, and I have to say - I am not sure I think too many people are coming in asking for some of these terms.
Like how many people were out there really going into a store and saying, yes, I'd like a Randy Moss #81 Pats jersey, but instead of it saying Moss on it, can I have it say GAYMUTHAFUCKINWHORE, one word?
That's all(!) I got so far...
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