When 900 Years You Get, This Good You Look

I realize that the vast differences between men and women have been explored ad nauseum over the course of our existence. Nevertheless, the events of last night compel me to again tackle this topic and how incredibly easy it is for us to butt heads from time to time.

First a little backstory:

Last night, my wife Hilary and I went bowling with a few of our friends, my sister Hannah and her husband Will among them. My brother-in-law and I are very competitive, especially at sports. As per usual, we decided to place a wager - winner of the most games would win a free movie and snacks the next time we visited our local multiplex.

Will was hot early, bowling a 171 to take the first game. It was much closer the second game, and as we hit the final frame I needed a mark and at least two pins to tie it up*. I got a seven on my first roll, then got the spare I needed to set up the gimme win.

*We were only rolling two games, so if I won we would have had to figure out a tiebreak of some sort - presumably rock, paper, scissors, though we discussed 1870's-style fisticuffs in the parking lot as well.

So sure was I of victory, I decided to let my wife take my last turn. I realize she isn't the world's greatest bowler, but generally speaking she is capable of keeping it out of the gutter, and I thought she would enjoy being a part of the victory.

Apparently not. For God knows what reason, Hilary ran up to the line and flung the ball with all her might down the lane, like a person trying to throw a ticking time bomb off the side of a boat, after which it traveled perhaps three feet before heading straight into the gutter. Game over.

Now, I knew that by giving Hilary my final turn I stood the chance of losing and owing Will a ticket to the movie of his choice. In theory, I can't be mad at her for my losing the bet.

However, Hilary never bowls like that (In fact, this exact scenario had occurred a couple weeks earlier when we went bowling with them, and Hilary had knocked 'em down like a champ. If it ain't broke don't fix it!).

Normally, she walks up to the lane and gently flicks it down the lane, slowly enough that sometimes you wonder if the ball will knock the pins over or bounce backwards on contact.

So why the sudden change, I wondered?

Here is where the difference between the genders kicks into play.

Were Hilary a male friend, I probably would have inquired about her performance with a question somewhere along the lines of, "What the @#%&?"

But because Hilary is a woman, and in particular my wife, not only did I have to let it go, but even the initial "What was that?" drew enough ire from her that I felt compelled to apologize for making her feel bad for missing the shot.

Now I am a reasonable enough person to realize that the outcome of a bowling bet is rather insignificant in the grand scheme of things**. Yet at the same time, are you kidding me? That roll was terrible! If I didn't know any better, I'd think Will promised her half a box of Milk Duds for that roll!

** Or is it? Movies are pretty pricey these days. It used to be a movie was what you did when you wanted to take it easy and avoid an expensive night out. Not anymore - a movie plus popcorn and drinks for two is like 40 bucks. Next time I want an inexpensive time out with my wife, I think we're going to have to go to Ruth's Chris.

She deserves at least a little grief, but I cannot give it to her unless I'm interested in sleeping on the recliner.

Which brings me to my overall point - how is it that women can do something that upsets you, yet somehow you end up being the one who has to apologize?

And that was when I realized it - women are Jedis.

It all makes sense now - the hard to decipher logic, the bath robes, everything. A tampon may as well be their light saber.

They do something we don't like, but before we can tell them about it they wave their hand and say, "This is your fault, not mine," and now you are buying them tickets to see Lady Gaga as a peace offering.

I must remember this for the future when dealing with the opposite sex - the force is strong with this one.